mornings on Lex

Sparkling slate against a sea of white
Two bright eyes greet me, smiling

My favorite part of the day is morning.

Jump

Jump, girl. Jump!  (he shouts from below)
But there is no net! No parachute!
May I catch you? (he asks, eyebrows engaged)
Will you?

No response

She glances at her current surroundings.
Familiar. Comfortable. Fine.

Jump, girl, jump!

Her eyes wander over the tips of her toes and into the abyss below.
Can't see too much.
He stands down there looking up.
The brightness surrounding him more blurry in this fog

She fingers the scar below her collar bone. A reminder of her last jump... and she recalls the bright colors, fresh scents, sweetest tastes...
Memory tells her the roses were exquisite.
But the thorns -- thorns.

Her hand lingers over the scar.
A deep breath.
It is fine here. Comfortable. Safe.
She backs away from the edge.

She hears his footsteps retreat.

Saturday Morning Hangover in Brooklyn

Sitting on a bench in Cobble Hill park watching a child's birthday party. All the Brooklyn parents - around my age... Maybe a few years older. The kids ranging from 0-4 years old. The dads remind me of my college friends as they chat over pizza and the Moms hold babies & chat too. Everyone calling after the kids that wander too far away... Milo! Marlow! Ruby! Ella! Come back over here.


I sit on this bench, eat my bagel & nurse this hangover... feeling like I wandered into a film. "This is your life" had you chosen door #1. This is the ghost of the future or the past or the something... You live in our building, on our street, in our neighborhood, but we don't inhabit the same world.

Its time for the kids' naps as the party comes to a close and I head home for my nap too.

The/m/en

First there was he.
And he found me.

He was there for so long that we became we.
And then he wasn't there at all.

Thankfully.

After he, I searched for him. 

I found him unexpectedly 

when I wasn't even trying to see

Him and I became a we and I was sure I'd never be 

without him again.

Until I was.

I thought him someone he wasn't.

And now you.
I can't find you.

There was he and there was him and now all I do is search for you.

You seem to be so sure. So real. 

But where are you?
You are not.
Here.

You can come find me.
I am done looking for you, as I am done with he and him before. 

I've found me
and she
is better than (all of) you.
I shouldn't need more.

Emerged / Caged

Just when I thought you were vanished. A whisper. A cloud.
You appear.

Cheeks aglow.
Smiling.
Happy.
On a hike
with a ring
in a box.
Innocent new girl by your side.
Something to feed on.
You - Revived.

Alive.

In my head, always dead. Or a monster. Partly caged.
And that poor girl, smile like a song.
Not realizing her sentence.
Monsters roam free. But not long for she.

Still Here

You were gone.

You died. 

You were gone and died the day we cried and said goodbye

And then right there

I swear
A pair 

of your pants
Reappears
Like you are still here
Still here?

My greatest fears
revived
But how
could you be alive?

In my chest, little drummers
Beat inside

How did you get here
I made myself clear
You are dead
You died
Only I survived
What you left behind

Text Message Apology

"Sry?" No, thank you.
That's not an apology.
I'm worth more letters.

Where we are now

It really is over, I think, as I hang up the phone.

Was that a stranger? Or the man I can't let go of?

"Looking forward to it," you responded. "Yeah. Should be interesting."
Like I'm a host - interviewing you on your latest project?
Or a girl fiddling her pony tail, making small talk after your show in the theater lobby?

I guess it is over.
I guess it really is.
I needed to hear how far we have come.
Away.
You a bit faster than I.
Definitely ahead (If not speeding away)
From our shared life, shared bed.

I guess it is over.
I am sure I knew
but ached
for anything else to be true.

I know I changed the future once. Can you ache so hard you change the present too?
 
This time machine is whirling. I'm not even sure how I got inside,
but I know I'm the one who opened the door.
Do I regret it now?
Or will I feel relief when I exit on the other end and shake hands with my future self?

Thank you, she'll say.
Welcome to Love. Welcome to Life.

"Looking forward to it," I'll respond. "Should be interesting."

I became

I wish I did not remember
but how could I forget
you would look at me
shake your head side to side
and with just one word

"beautiful"

...I would be.

Loving you is easy

Let me tell you a thing or two about loving you

it's the easiest thing I've had to do

no effort no tries no thoughts about goodbyes

I love...         and that's all I do.

You reach out, as only you can

You touch my face, my neck, my hand

Never too much; its perfect, your touch

Try as I may, I cannot withstand 

No matter the time of day or night

You enter the room, And I excite

I'm more like a brick, than candle wick

Never wavering. I am just light.