mornings on Lex

Sparkling slate against a sea of white
Two bright eyes greet me, smiling

My favorite part of the day is morning.

Jump

Jump, girl. Jump!  (he shouts from below)
But there is no net! No parachute!
May I catch you? (he asks, eyebrows engaged)
Will you?

No response

She glances at her current surroundings.
Familiar. Comfortable. Fine.

Jump, girl, jump!

Her eyes wander over the tips of her toes and into the abyss below.
Can't see too much.
He stands down there looking up.
The brightness surrounding him more blurry in this fog

She fingers the scar below her collar bone. A reminder of her last jump... and she recalls the bright colors, fresh scents, sweetest tastes...
Memory tells her the roses were exquisite.
But the thorns -- thorns.

Her hand lingers over the scar.
A deep breath.
It is fine here. Comfortable. Safe.
She backs away from the edge.

She hears his footsteps retreat.

The/m/en

First there was he.
And he found me.

He was there for so long that we became we.
And then he wasn't there at all.

Thankfully.

After he, I searched for him. 

I found him unexpectedly 

when I wasn't even trying to see

Him and I became a we and I was sure I'd never be 

without him again.

Until I was.

I thought him someone he wasn't.

And now you.
I can't find you.

There was he and there was him and now all I do is search for you.

You seem to be so sure. So real. 

But where are you?
You are not.
Here.

You can come find me.
I am done looking for you, as I am done with he and him before. 

I've found me
and she
is better than (all of) you.
I shouldn't need more.

Emerged / Caged

Just when I thought you were vanished. A whisper. A cloud.
You appear.

Cheeks aglow.
Smiling.
Happy.
On a hike
with a ring
in a box.
Innocent new girl by your side.
Something to feed on.
You - Revived.

Alive.

In my head, always dead. Or a monster. Partly caged.
And that poor girl, smile like a song.
Not realizing her sentence.
Monsters roam free. But not long for she.

Still Here

You were gone.

You died. 

You were gone and died the day we cried and said goodbye

And then right there

I swear
A pair 

of your pants
Reappears
Like you are still here
Still here?

My greatest fears
revived
But how
could you be alive?

In my chest, little drummers
Beat inside

How did you get here
I made myself clear
You are dead
You died
Only I survived
What you left behind

Text Message Apology

"Sry?" No, thank you.
That's not an apology.
I'm worth more letters.

Where we are now

It really is over, I think, as I hang up the phone.

Was that a stranger? Or the man I can't let go of?

"Looking forward to it," you responded. "Yeah. Should be interesting."
Like I'm a host - interviewing you on your latest project?
Or a girl fiddling her pony tail, making small talk after your show in the theater lobby?

I guess it is over.
I guess it really is.
I needed to hear how far we have come.
Away.
You a bit faster than I.
Definitely ahead (If not speeding away)
From our shared life, shared bed.

I guess it is over.
I am sure I knew
but ached
for anything else to be true.

I know I changed the future once. Can you ache so hard you change the present too?
 
This time machine is whirling. I'm not even sure how I got inside,
but I know I'm the one who opened the door.
Do I regret it now?
Or will I feel relief when I exit on the other end and shake hands with my future self?

Thank you, she'll say.
Welcome to Love. Welcome to Life.

"Looking forward to it," I'll respond. "Should be interesting."

I became

I wish I did not remember
but how could I forget
you would look at me
shake your head side to side
and with just one word

"beautiful"

...I would be.

Loving you is easy

Let me tell you a thing or two about loving you

it's the easiest thing I've had to do

no effort no tries no thoughts about goodbyes

I love...         and that's all I do.

You reach out, as only you can

You touch my face, my neck, my hand

Never too much; its perfect, your touch

Try as I may, I cannot withstand 

No matter the time of day or night

You enter the room, And I excite

I'm more like a brick, than candle wick

Never wavering. I am just light.

Good Things

Playing cards in the park
Intertwining fingers on the subway.
Making each other laugh. Pure laughter.

These are the things that I love.

Attending any event with you. In a bar. At a wedding.
Gazing at you across the room.
Locking in, as I catch you gazing right back.
You noticing everything.

These are the things that I love.

Talking in bed til late
My forehead touching yours.
Mornings.

These are the things that I love.

Warming your cold hands in mine
Warming your nose
Feeling beautiful because of you.

This is love.

welcome, sun

The sun burst through the window this morning. Unexpected!

I knew it would turn eventually.
This sky.

I knew it would be fine, sure.
After much
                   hoping
                   wishing
                   for a change.

Welcome, sun.
Your affable light assures me.
Finally growing unafraid to bask,
Confident in these new rays.

The warmth,
                   caressing hands on my face.
The light,
                   gently running its' fingers through my hair.

You awakened me and I woke up smiling.

Scattered

I left the house for the day
Scattering
Before you came to pack up

Our lives shattering
As you took your things. Our things. Out. Of the house.
Our home.
Scattered.

I couldn't even see you.

Out for the day
pretending
to play with friends.
And once I got the all clear, slipped back in
Pretending it was the same but knowing nothing ever ever would be.

I watched TV.
And
Eventually
Made my way into the bedroom...
Against the pillow, a huge bouquet and an I'm sorry dear Jane...?

Please. No.
Refrain.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.

Just run away and never stop
Run away and never stop
Scattering.

why

I wanna just ask you why
I just wanna ask you

why pretend
why make those waves
make those looks
hold me?

I just wanna ask you
why?

if the plan is to walk away
then walk
why step on me as you go
I am not even on your way
I was just a way
and now I just wanna ask you
why
you went away
before I could push you

want

When I want to I hold your hand
When I want to I don’t look away
When I want to I tell you
That I want you

How Could You

Oh look... a little scrap of paper with lyrics on them!
I had written them while taking a Greyhound bus back from NYC to Boston in 2006.

It's 2010. Why not just put those to a lil music... ? Not my best work but here goes...

bar song

The first verse, a conversation bursting out from damp lips
in the chatter of the bar
lost in the tune
your laughter
and I
gladly humming and hanging on your every word

Then the chorus
So intoxicating I can’t stop playing it over and over
in my mind
Like when your hand stayed
strayed
an extra moment on mine

The bridge always stings
damn chord progressions reminding me
that reality
is never ever what you want it
to be

And finally...

another verse
sooth and warming like the first
time
as I’m drawn into your melody
and you make me laugh
and I sing along
so sure
this song
is playing for me

until

the final chord fades
and you let go
you let me go


you always let me go



But you and I both know
I’ll just keep pressing repeat...

let me go

Intoxicating gaze
Unlock your fingers from mine
let me walk away

tippy toes

Hand reaching out
clasped gentle but firm
to pull me in
by the back of my neck

body follows

Me on tippy toes

like a gal in pigtails.
longing
Just.... for that.





My lips
finally touched.

mine to his

and in the days that followed
only
this ocean
so vast and salty

she breaks

He gives
she takes
he takes
she breaks

the jester

Shy and guarded, he said
that's what he said
and I choked on my coffee
surprising!

This jester
Covered in bright colors and bells?
Dancing with wide strokes?
Singing loudly and telling all?

Your eyes, he said
Open your eyes

And I quickly closed them tight
not wanting him to see inside
not wanting to admit I'm naked under this hat and frock.