stream of consciousness

Can't sleep
Can't stop thinking
Paper bits in my mind
On each one, written just a few lines
Crumpled up in balls on the floor of my conscience

Stream of consciousness won't stop streaming
I need a boat to paddle away
Through all of the madness, fighting with the waves
His face and words and flashes of a memory
Eyes
Swirling in the water beneath
Crashing crashing
I am crashing
I'm so tired
Turn it off, put down the paddle,
put down the pen
Stop thinking
Need to rest
Need to sleep
Can't sleep

blue

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Writing and singing notes I believe to be true
Help me sing something besides all this blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Writing my analogies and crying till it's through
And the words that I write are just blue. Blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Painting with these strokes so tired and so few
The picture that I paint, just washes of blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Tried to dive deep but no matter how far I flew,
I can't swim through this deepness, this ocean of blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Listening to the songs, I know are for me from you
I have to climb up over this mountain of blue

So I can be through
with
blue.

life in the movies

Goddamn Sunset-ending movies with their happily ever afters and I do's
Where is the remote?
Daydreaming of meeting Mr. One
Catching a glance across the room… eyes lock, a flicker of light
Put the glass down on the table and saunter across...
we start to dance
And we just "know"
Waiting for my Nick Drake song to fade in and signal the closing credits…

the battle of reality and romance

Under the covers, book in her hand
Sirens out the window; neighbors comprehend
It's too cold to go outside, stars overhead
Turn up the heat, say good night to love and go to bed

The night just a seedling, the band takes a rest
His brow sweaty, he slips outside and sees he missed her text
The air so warm and in the morn it will be as well
He gets back up. Just close your eyes, forget you ever fell.

Reality and romance
Do I have to pick just one
Structured desks and pay checks
Romance would be more fun

Reality vs. romance
Just a girl. Just a guy.
Book my tickets, let me fly
Romance wins, let me fly

the smoke clears

the gun explodes

i am used to the smoke

swirling and circling and dancing with my pores
dark grey curls
grab at my neck
short
deep
breaths only
intensify
the pain

and its so dark in this smoke
and it claws at me so
i start to choke
my brain turned to yolk
and my hand

holding the gun

living with money

How does it feel to live with money? Does it love you so good?

Does it hold your hand?
Does it load up your forehead with kisses?
Does it lie with its feet in your lap?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it pack you up a lunch to bring to work?
Does it lie with you on the couch?
Does it move the car for street cleaning?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it make you laugh?
Does it make the coffee on Sundays?
Does it search for jobs for you?
Does it promise to stick by you no matter what?
Does it ask for nothing in return but love?


Damn.
I fucking hope so.

salt and smoke

I always thought love was sweet
Melting chocolate morsels in my mouth
After the wound was formed,
Bowls of ice cream calmed me down
And chocolate milk soothed the pain

Surely, the wound must be healed by now.
And it is.

But a scar remains

Some days so light you wouldn't notice it there
Other days, deep and purple like a bruise.
And other days, it opens wide
And I pour the salt – surprised at first, by the taste of my tears
Desirable for a moment
If only to remember

But soon it burns.
And I'm brought back
To the day I stood
in the kitchen
With the batch of charred cookies in my gloved hand
My tears burnt
My heart scorched

And you with the flame in your hand

Still
s
m
o
k
i
n
g

Now
I have grown accustomed to the salt.

masked kindness

Wearing a mask,
you push me down
ouch!

I whisk around
Who did that?

I hear your voice
so sweet and kind
wiping my tears
bandaging my knee

"we'll get him"
you promise

I cry into your shoulder
until I soon feel better

a legal goodbye

So this is goodbye
On paper. A legal document
Sign, date, and notarize
Did you even realize that it would come to this?

I once envisioned us at the front of the aisle
Dresses and suits and beaming smiles
Tearing eyes
Speeches and forever on tongues and sunrise

I used to read your chicken scratch letters
Stringing together the most beautiful words
Poems and love letters
The "do not forgetters" reminding me of how I was loved

Now here we are, fighting with no voice
Our lawyers talk the talk
Back and forth
Dollar amounts and vague threats

What happened to the do not forgets?

Now all I have is your signature
On a document
A legal goodbye

Your chicken scratch
Once again can make me cry

dead to me

Sometimes I feel like you died
you died and left me

in such sadness
and silence
i'm left with painted memories
and where you went wrong
and where i let you go wrong
and how i didn't help
you were sick
you were so sick
but forever by my side

and then

the black dress is put away
the veil gone
the eyes wiped dry
and i sort through the mail
and there i find it

one lie
in a tiny box
plain as day

no...

but you were sick,
it was just a small fib
you still loved so good
you loved me most
and held me up
you couldn't be responsible...
you were weak
i still loved you

until
i open the drawer
another lie
how did i miss that when i packed my bags
has that always been there?

i go to the bank
a lie you left behind
in the glove compartment
another lie

lie
upon lie
upon lie until
i can't hold my
head above and i am drowning

in anger
and red red rage
how could you?
WHO ARE YOU?
And did you really die?
i never said goodbye
did you really die?
did you just never really live
or really love