the jester

Shy and guarded, he said
that's what he said
and I choked on my coffee
surprising!

This jester
Covered in bright colors and bells?
Dancing with wide strokes?
Singing loudly and telling all?

Your eyes, he said
Open your eyes

And I quickly closed them tight
not wanting him to see inside
not wanting to admit I'm naked under this hat and frock.

Found.

Found.

Love,
My heart is quite literally overflowing with love for you. You are my joy and passion. Have a brilliant Day. I'll miss you!
Kisses and Hugs,
MFG



I feel numb.
Next week is five years.

the morning after

photographic memory

All it takes is a photo, a picture
online
or in a box in the corner
I should have gone through that box years ago.

Just a photo.
of you
your smile

Just you
in full belly laughter

Just you
your eyes reading my mind

It just takes something so small
to remind me that I hate you

damn you, nick drake

damn you, nick drake
bringing back five years of mistake
and the one long dream
from which I never could wake

why do I lose my color?
why won’t my feet take root?
too much running in my dreams and too hot in this suit
losing my ground on the morning bus route
accepting a drink from the stranger standing to my left
breathing deeply but never able to take a deep breath

damn you, nick drake
you think the tears are gone
and then that song...
comes on
and the tears that I thought were gone
are in m a r c h i n g order and soldiering on
no need to battle them,
no need for a fight
just stopping by for a visit
but soon again out of sight

If time has told me that you’re a rare find,
Then I’ll thank time in the morning

and again at night.

so far gone

Remember I thought you an angel?
Fallen from the sky
To kiss me where it hurts and
lift me up when I needed to fly

Well it seems
I had
only one thing right
You are not on this earth

You are so far gone

So far away, you can’t see down
too high to feel
or ever be found
to ever come down
down to the ground

you are so far gone
too high to be wrong
too gone to do the singing
or to even hear the song

I wonder what will happen when you fall on it
This earth
Hard

Will you place your hands firmly down into this yard?
And press into the ground
And feel... what is real?

I know you won’t
You’ll put on new white wings
And seek new paint in new skies
So bright and blue
And empty until you

But that one day will come
As it always does
when the sky realizes you
for the real you
And cuts your wings
And drops you down
Down to the ground

I wish you less like a cat
And more like a stone

apple and eve

I know why Eve reached for that apple
In its shiny reflection, she was bright and beautiful.
Lovely.

Once she surrenders to it, she knows
she has failed
her fingers barely brushing at its red surface
still
a familiar voice persuades
it’s ok. go ahead.

And besides,
the apple already in her hands
familiar
she knows its touch
its smooth skin
she knows its taste
its juicy insides
she knows what it will provide
the joy she is seeking
for this short time

In haste
she bites in
its sweetness like cake
swift - oh no!
she realizes her mistake

Her hunger depleting
the sweetness only fleeting

Quickly
that realization
a gasp
she opens her hand
to release her grasp
And watches the apple
Roll from her palm to her fingertips to
F
A
L
L
Hard

It now sits on the earth
Aching
Yearning
For her touch

Eve backs away

memories on the road

they come flooding in
like speed
as soon as I put my foot to the gas
and soon, I remember everything

your fidgety hand in the front seam of your shirt
stretching it out like my worn jeans
Your nicknames and claims
Your love letters, and beautiful words
You chapsticking your lips
Gourmet dinners and Wegmans trips
Countless selfless offers I didn’t want to take
And when I was sad
And counting sheep
You sang me songs to put me to sleep

Honey pie...you are driving me craaaazy

well, now I can’t sleep
and where are you?
not making a peep
sleeping in your big fancy condo
with your new wife
who doesn't know what happened to the old wife
and the old life
that you twisted and destroyed
and then ran over with your car

actually, my car

I can’t wait
Until the car stops running

secret to happiness

I say I have the secrets
The secrets to happily live
And the secret advice
That I not so secretly give
Is to gleam from the inside and not change from the out
But we want to FEEL what change is about
So we pack and we move and we quit and we run
Then we look for contentment that never does come.

But if we don’t give ourselves that push and that voice?
Then what have we then? What is our choice?

The what ifs would settle in and the what ifs are a bitch
What if I do nothing and don’t scratch at this itch?
What if I don’t act but just sit and stay?
What if I do nothing to make this yearning go away?
Then live in a world never knowing if there’s more
If I’ve got the talent to be a comedy whore
If I can share with the world what I am about
To let the me on the inside walk around and get out…

So I’m still on this peninsula
With choices all around
Should I step in the water or onto the ground?

For now, I’ll let my sunshine out and I’ll loosen my laces
Eventually I’ll choose the how, the now, and the places

When will I remove my soul from this cement?
And let myself act on the secrets of content?

put the pen down

I start writing about what he did
To me
Just a few words on paper about
What happened
To me
And my heart starts pounding
And I'm there again
And it's happening again
To me
You are standing in the bedroom
Your jaw dropped
At my discovery
At the drawer pulled out of its dresser and onto the floor
and me
next to it
on the floor
holding the pile of papers in my hand
the bills
the credit cards
target, visa, master card, j crew, bank of Belmont, bank of America, bank of whateverthefuck
While you stand there
And lie
To me
And I take out the scissors
And I start cutting
Up
everything
CUTTING
Statements, credit cards, lies
Where did these all come from? How have I never looked through this drawer before?
And I cut and I scream and I cry and the tears wet the papers in a huge pile on the floor
And I breathe so deeply that I have trouble talking
And the lump in my throat hurts so much
If I could just push it down
For a moment
And swallow
How could you do this to us
To me
How could you lie
To me
Piles of lies as big as this pile of stupid accounts and credit cards and I can't breathe and anxiety fills my chest like smoke and
I need to catch my breath so I don't choke
and I try to talk and wipe the tears from their place
And I reach for my face and
sort of come to and realize
That I'm sitting alone
miles away from that old bedroom
years away from that old life
in a new place
and a new time
And the tears are dry
And the papers are gone
And the floor is clean
And my life
Is
Sane


I put down the pen for a while…