Scattered

I left the house for the day
Scattering
Before you came to pack up

Our lives shattering
As you took your things. Our things. Out. Of the house.
Our home.
Scattered.

I couldn't even see you.

Out for the day
pretending
to play with friends.
And once I got the all clear, slipped back in
Pretending it was the same but knowing nothing ever ever would be.

I watched TV.
And
Eventually
Made my way into the bedroom...
Against the pillow, a huge bouquet and an I'm sorry dear Jane...?

Please. No.
Refrain.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.

Just run away and never stop
Run away and never stop
Scattering.

a legal goodbye

So this is goodbye
On paper. A legal document
Sign, date, and notarize
Did you even realize that it would come to this?

I once envisioned us at the front of the aisle
Dresses and suits and beaming smiles
Tearing eyes
Speeches and forever on tongues and sunrise

I used to read your chicken scratch letters
Stringing together the most beautiful words
Poems and love letters
The "do not forgetters" reminding me of how I was loved

Now here we are, fighting with no voice
Our lawyers talk the talk
Back and forth
Dollar amounts and vague threats

What happened to the do not forgets?

Now all I have is your signature
On a document
A legal goodbye

Your chicken scratch
Once again can make me cry

dead to me

Sometimes I feel like you died
you died and left me

in such sadness
and silence
i'm left with painted memories
and where you went wrong
and where i let you go wrong
and how i didn't help
you were sick
you were so sick
but forever by my side

and then

the black dress is put away
the veil gone
the eyes wiped dry
and i sort through the mail
and there i find it

one lie
in a tiny box
plain as day

no...

but you were sick,
it was just a small fib
you still loved so good
you loved me most
and held me up
you couldn't be responsible...
you were weak
i still loved you

until
i open the drawer
another lie
how did i miss that when i packed my bags
has that always been there?

i go to the bank
a lie you left behind
in the glove compartment
another lie

lie
upon lie
upon lie until
i can't hold my
head above and i am drowning

in anger
and red red rage
how could you?
WHO ARE YOU?
And did you really die?
i never said goodbye
did you really die?
did you just never really live
or really love