Emerged / Caged

Just when I thought you were vanished. A whisper. A cloud.
You appear.

Cheeks aglow.
Smiling.
Happy.
On a hike
with a ring
in a box.
Innocent new girl by your side.
Something to feed on.
You - Revived.

Alive.

In my head, always dead. Or a monster. Partly caged.
And that poor girl, smile like a song.
Not realizing her sentence.
Monsters roam free. But not long for she.

Still Here

You were gone.

You died. 

You were gone and died the day we cried and said goodbye

And then right there

I swear
A pair 

of your pants
Reappears
Like you are still here
Still here?

My greatest fears
revived
But how
could you be alive?

In my chest, little drummers
Beat inside

How did you get here
I made myself clear
You are dead
You died
Only I survived
What you left behind

Scattered

I left the house for the day
Scattering
Before you came to pack up

Our lives shattering
As you took your things. Our things. Out. Of the house.
Our home.
Scattered.

I couldn't even see you.

Out for the day
pretending
to play with friends.
And once I got the all clear, slipped back in
Pretending it was the same but knowing nothing ever ever would be.

I watched TV.
And
Eventually
Made my way into the bedroom...
Against the pillow, a huge bouquet and an I'm sorry dear Jane...?

Please. No.
Refrain.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.

Just run away and never stop
Run away and never stop
Scattering.

she breaks

He gives
she takes
he takes
she breaks

Found.

Found.

Love,
My heart is quite literally overflowing with love for you. You are my joy and passion. Have a brilliant Day. I'll miss you!
Kisses and Hugs,
MFG



I feel numb.
Next week is five years.

photographic memory

All it takes is a photo, a picture
online
or in a box in the corner
I should have gone through that box years ago.

Just a photo.
of you
your smile

Just you
in full belly laughter

Just you
your eyes reading my mind

It just takes something so small
to remind me that I hate you

damn you, nick drake

damn you, nick drake
bringing back five years of mistake
and the one long dream
from which I never could wake

why do I lose my color?
why won’t my feet take root?
too much running in my dreams and too hot in this suit
losing my ground on the morning bus route
accepting a drink from the stranger standing to my left
breathing deeply but never able to take a deep breath

damn you, nick drake
you think the tears are gone
and then that song...
comes on
and the tears that I thought were gone
are in m a r c h i n g order and soldiering on
no need to battle them,
no need for a fight
just stopping by for a visit
but soon again out of sight

If time has told me that you’re a rare find,
Then I’ll thank time in the morning

and again at night.

so far gone

Remember I thought you an angel?
Fallen from the sky
To kiss me where it hurts and
lift me up when I needed to fly

Well it seems
I had
only one thing right
You are not on this earth

You are so far gone

So far away, you can’t see down
too high to feel
or ever be found
to ever come down
down to the ground

you are so far gone
too high to be wrong
too gone to do the singing
or to even hear the song

I wonder what will happen when you fall on it
This earth
Hard

Will you place your hands firmly down into this yard?
And press into the ground
And feel... what is real?

I know you won’t
You’ll put on new white wings
And seek new paint in new skies
So bright and blue
And empty until you

But that one day will come
As it always does
when the sky realizes you
for the real you
And cuts your wings
And drops you down
Down to the ground

I wish you less like a cat
And more like a stone

memories on the road

they come flooding in
like speed
as soon as I put my foot to the gas
and soon, I remember everything

your fidgety hand in the front seam of your shirt
stretching it out like my worn jeans
Your nicknames and claims
Your love letters, and beautiful words
You chapsticking your lips
Gourmet dinners and Wegmans trips
Countless selfless offers I didn’t want to take
And when I was sad
And counting sheep
You sang me songs to put me to sleep

Honey pie...you are driving me craaaazy

well, now I can’t sleep
and where are you?
not making a peep
sleeping in your big fancy condo
with your new wife
who doesn't know what happened to the old wife
and the old life
that you twisted and destroyed
and then ran over with your car

actually, my car

I can’t wait
Until the car stops running

put the pen down

I start writing about what he did
To me
Just a few words on paper about
What happened
To me
And my heart starts pounding
And I'm there again
And it's happening again
To me
You are standing in the bedroom
Your jaw dropped
At my discovery
At the drawer pulled out of its dresser and onto the floor
and me
next to it
on the floor
holding the pile of papers in my hand
the bills
the credit cards
target, visa, master card, j crew, bank of Belmont, bank of America, bank of whateverthefuck
While you stand there
And lie
To me
And I take out the scissors
And I start cutting
Up
everything
CUTTING
Statements, credit cards, lies
Where did these all come from? How have I never looked through this drawer before?
And I cut and I scream and I cry and the tears wet the papers in a huge pile on the floor
And I breathe so deeply that I have trouble talking
And the lump in my throat hurts so much
If I could just push it down
For a moment
And swallow
How could you do this to us
To me
How could you lie
To me
Piles of lies as big as this pile of stupid accounts and credit cards and I can't breathe and anxiety fills my chest like smoke and
I need to catch my breath so I don't choke
and I try to talk and wipe the tears from their place
And I reach for my face and
sort of come to and realize
That I'm sitting alone
miles away from that old bedroom
years away from that old life
in a new place
and a new time
And the tears are dry
And the papers are gone
And the floor is clean
And my life
Is
Sane


I put down the pen for a while…

puppet master

We were all just puppets in your sick, sick show
our wires entangled for so long
that not until so many years later
are we finally getting the knots out

So skilled at your trickery
You really made us dance
We fell in love with your words, your ways
your forever giving of giving
Throwing our trust, our hearts, at your feet
You played with my limbs,
my outsides my insides
And held me upside down until
my will and
my fight
began
S
P
I
L
L
I
N
G
Out of my head and onto the floor…
Empty and powerless
A puppet on a string
I hate you for your puppetry
I hate you for your lies
How could love so deep and strong turn to such despise?

I wanna sweat the small stuff

(I don't usually rhyme... but I'll give it a shot today... )


I want to sweat the small stuff
and argue over messy rooms
crying over silly boys
choosing sad songs on itunes

I want to cry over spilled milk
and fill you in on my tough day
oh man, work was such a bitch
they ran out of coffee today

Instead I have to deal with this
Its too heavy. Its too much
I feel sick when I picture your face
cringe remembering your touch

I almost married a thief
a criminal, a ghost
feeding me with words and lies
3 years later, it stings the most

Now I am a woman
but then I was just mist
everything washing over me
until I ceased to exist

So let me help you miss your goal
I'll lose your package in the mail
I'll accidentally kill your plant
I'll take your test and fail

Let me sweep up your child's mess
let me lose your big game
let me put out the fire
let me paint grey over this flame. . .

living with money

How does it feel to live with money? Does it love you so good?

Does it hold your hand?
Does it load up your forehead with kisses?
Does it lie with its feet in your lap?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it pack you up a lunch to bring to work?
Does it lie with you on the couch?
Does it move the car for street cleaning?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it make you laugh?
Does it make the coffee on Sundays?
Does it search for jobs for you?
Does it promise to stick by you no matter what?
Does it ask for nothing in return but love?


Damn.
I fucking hope so.

salt and smoke

I always thought love was sweet
Melting chocolate morsels in my mouth
After the wound was formed,
Bowls of ice cream calmed me down
And chocolate milk soothed the pain

Surely, the wound must be healed by now.
And it is.

But a scar remains

Some days so light you wouldn't notice it there
Other days, deep and purple like a bruise.
And other days, it opens wide
And I pour the salt – surprised at first, by the taste of my tears
Desirable for a moment
If only to remember

But soon it burns.
And I'm brought back
To the day I stood
in the kitchen
With the batch of charred cookies in my gloved hand
My tears burnt
My heart scorched

And you with the flame in your hand

Still
s
m
o
k
i
n
g

Now
I have grown accustomed to the salt.

masked kindness

Wearing a mask,
you push me down
ouch!

I whisk around
Who did that?

I hear your voice
so sweet and kind
wiping my tears
bandaging my knee

"we'll get him"
you promise

I cry into your shoulder
until I soon feel better

a legal goodbye

So this is goodbye
On paper. A legal document
Sign, date, and notarize
Did you even realize that it would come to this?

I once envisioned us at the front of the aisle
Dresses and suits and beaming smiles
Tearing eyes
Speeches and forever on tongues and sunrise

I used to read your chicken scratch letters
Stringing together the most beautiful words
Poems and love letters
The "do not forgetters" reminding me of how I was loved

Now here we are, fighting with no voice
Our lawyers talk the talk
Back and forth
Dollar amounts and vague threats

What happened to the do not forgets?

Now all I have is your signature
On a document
A legal goodbye

Your chicken scratch
Once again can make me cry

dead to me

Sometimes I feel like you died
you died and left me

in such sadness
and silence
i'm left with painted memories
and where you went wrong
and where i let you go wrong
and how i didn't help
you were sick
you were so sick
but forever by my side

and then

the black dress is put away
the veil gone
the eyes wiped dry
and i sort through the mail
and there i find it

one lie
in a tiny box
plain as day

no...

but you were sick,
it was just a small fib
you still loved so good
you loved me most
and held me up
you couldn't be responsible...
you were weak
i still loved you

until
i open the drawer
another lie
how did i miss that when i packed my bags
has that always been there?

i go to the bank
a lie you left behind
in the glove compartment
another lie

lie
upon lie
upon lie until
i can't hold my
head above and i am drowning

in anger
and red red rage
how could you?
WHO ARE YOU?
And did you really die?
i never said goodbye
did you really die?
did you just never really live
or really love