Rainy Day Sunday

Good Things

2011-10-10T12:41:00.002-04:00

Playing cards in the park
Intertwining fingers on the subway.
Making each other laugh. Pure laughter.

These are the things that I love.
Attending any event with you. In a bar. At a wedding.
Gazing at you across the room.
Locking in, as I catch you gazing right back.
You noticing everything.

These are the things that I love.
Talking in bed til late
My forehead touching yours.
Mornings.

These are the things that I love.
Warming your cold hands in mine
Warming your nose
Feeling beautiful because of you.

This is love.

Fool Says - by M. Ward

2011-06-22T17:58:00.001-04:00

hey, i ain't never met anyone like you before
i ain't never met anyone like you before
i thought all the good ones were gone
you're here to tell me i was wrong

hey, you ain't never met a fool like me before
you ain't never met a fool like me before
they told you all romantic fools had died
i'm here to tell you that they lied

- Fool Says, by M. Ward

welcome, sun

2011-06-09T12:00:00.006-04:00

The sun burst through the window this morning. Unexpected!

I knew it would turn eventually.
This sky.

I knew it would be fine, sure.
After much
                   hoping
                   wishing
                   for a change.

Welcome, sun.
Your affable light assures me.
Finally growing unafraid to bask,
Confident in these new rays.

The warmth,
                   caressing hands on my face.
The light,
                   gently running its' fingers through my hair.

You awakened me and I woke up smiling.

Scattered

2011-04-29T22:46:00.006-04:00

I left the house for the day
Scattering
Before you came to pack up

Our lives shattering
As you took your things. Our things. Out. Of the house.
Our home.
Scattered.

I couldn't even see you.

Out for the day
pretending
to play with friends.
And once I got the all clear, slipped back in
Pretending it was the same but knowing nothing ever ever would be.

I watched TV.
And
Eventually
Made my way into the bedroom...
Against the pillow, a huge bouquet and an I'm sorry dear Jane...?

Please. No.
Refrain.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.
You do not get to say I'm sorry.

Just run away and never stop
Run away and never stop
Scattering.

why

2011-03-05T20:48:00.001-05:00

I wanna just ask you why
I just wanna ask you

why pretend
why make those waves
make those looks
hold me?

I just wanna ask you
why?

if the plan is to walk away
then walk
why step on me as you go
I am not even on your way
I was just a way
and now I just wanna ask you
why
you went away
before I could push you

Do you love?

2010-11-04T18:59:00.001-04:00

"Someone once said that the moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you've already stopped loving that person forever."

- "Julian Carax"
Shadow of the Wind

want

2010-10-24T23:50:00.000-04:00

When I want to I hold your hand
When I want to I don’t look away
When I want to I tell you
That I want you

How Could You

2010-09-12T10:33:00.011-04:00

Oh look... a little scrap of paper with lyrics on them!
I had written them while taking a Greyhound bus back from NYC to Boston in 2006.

It's 2010. Why not just put those to a lil music... ? Not my best work but here goes...

bar song

2010-08-11T21:57:00.003-04:00

The first verse, a conversation bursting out from damp lips
in the chatter of the bar
lost in the tune
your laughter
and I
gladly humming and hanging on your every word

Then the chorus
So intoxicating I can’t stop playing it over and over
in my mind
Like when your hand stayed
strayed
an extra moment on mine

The bridge always stings
damn chord progressions reminding me
that reality
is never ever what you want it
to be

And finally...

another verse
sooth and warming like the first
time
as I’m drawn into your melody
and you make me laugh
and I sing along
so sure
this song
is playing for me

until

the final chord fades
and you let go
you let me go

you always let me go

But you and I both know
I’ll just keep pressing repeat...

let me go

2010-08-03T15:51:00.000-04:00

Intoxicating gaze
Unlock your fingers from mine
let me walk away

tippy toes

2010-06-02T09:37:00.001-04:00

Hand reaching out
clasped gentle but firm
to pull me in
by the back of my neck

body follows

Me on tippy toes

like a gal in pigtails.
longing
Just.... for that.

My lips
finally touched.

mine to his

and in the days that followed
only
this ocean
so vast and salty

she breaks

2010-04-05T00:08:00.000-04:00

He gives
she takes
he takes
she breaks

the jester

2010-03-29T16:35:00.004-04:00

Shy and guarded, he said
that's what he said
and I choked on my coffee
surprising!

This jester
Covered in bright colors and bells?
Dancing with wide strokes?
Singing loudly and telling all?

Your eyes, he said
Open your eyes

And I quickly closed them tight
not wanting him to see inside
not wanting to admit I'm naked under this hat and frock.

Found.

2010-03-26T16:15:00.001-04:00

Found.

Love,
My heart is quite literally overflowing with love for you. You are my joy and passion. Have a brilliant Day. I'll miss you!
Kisses and Hugs,
MFG

I feel numb.
Next week is five years.

the morning after

2009-08-22T20:04:00.002-04:00

photographic memory

2009-08-05T15:56:00.002-04:00

All it takes is a photo, a picture
online
or in a box in the corner
I should have gone through that box years ago.

Just a photo.
of you
your smile

Just you
in full belly laughter

Just you
your eyes reading my mind

It just takes something so small
to remind me that I hate you

damn you, nick drake

2009-07-13T23:07:00.006-04:00

damn you, nick drake
bringing back five years of mistake
and the one long dream
from which I never could wake

why do I lose my color?
why won’t my feet take root?
too much running in my dreams and too hot in this suit
losing my ground on the morning bus route
accepting a drink from the stranger standing to my left
breathing deeply but never able to take a deep breath

damn you, nick drake
you think the tears are gone
and then that song...
comes on
and the tears that I thought were gone
are in m a r c h i n g order and soldiering on
no need to battle them,
no need for a fight
just stopping by for a visit
but soon again out of sight

If time has told me that you’re a rare find,
Then I’ll thank time in the morning

and again at night.

so far gone

2009-05-01T22:05:00.002-04:00

Remember I thought you an angel?
Fallen from the sky
To kiss me where it hurts and
lift me up when I needed to fly

Well it seems
I had
only one thing right
You are not on this earth

You are so far gone

So far away, you can’t see down
too high to feel
or ever be found
to ever come down
down to the ground

you are so far gone
too high to be wrong
too gone to do the singing
or to even hear the song

I wonder what will happen when you fall on it
This earth
Hard

Will you place your hands firmly down into this yard?
And press into the ground
And feel... what is real?

I know you won’t
You’ll put on new white wings
And seek new paint in new skies
So bright and blue
And empty until you

But that one day will come
As it always does
when the sky realizes you
for the real you
And cuts your wings
And drops you down
Down to the ground

I wish you less like a cat
And more like a stone

apple and eve

2009-02-15T17:54:00.002-05:00

I know why Eve reached for that apple
In its shiny reflection, she was bright and beautiful.
Lovely.

Once she surrenders to it, she knows
she has failed
her fingers barely brushing at its red surface
still
a familiar voice persuades
it’s ok. go ahead.

And besides,
the apple already in her hands
familiar
she knows its touch
its smooth skin
she knows its taste
its juicy insides
she knows what it will provide
the joy she is seeking
for this short time

In haste
she bites in
its sweetness like cake
swift - oh no!
she realizes her mistake

Her hunger depleting
the sweetness only fleeting

Quickly
that realization
a gasp
she opens her hand
to release her grasp
And watches the apple
Roll from her palm to her fingertips to
F
A
L
L
Hard

It now sits on the earth
Aching
Yearning
For her touch

Eve backs away

memories on the road

2009-02-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

they come flooding in
like speed
as soon as I put my foot to the gas
and soon, I remember everything

your fidgety hand in the front seam of your shirt
stretching it out like my worn jeans
Your nicknames and claims
Your love letters, and beautiful words
You chapsticking your lips
Gourmet dinners and Wegmans trips
Countless selfless offers I didn’t want to take
And when I was sad
And counting sheep
You sang me songs to put me to sleep

Honey pie...you are driving me craaaazy

well, now I can’t sleep
and where are you?
not making a peep
sleeping in your big fancy condo
with your new wife
who doesn't know what happened to the old wife
and the old life
that you twisted and destroyed
and then ran over with your car

actually, my car

I can’t wait
Until the car stops running

secret to happiness

2008-12-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

I say I have the secrets
The secrets to happily live
And the secret advice
That I not so secretly give
Is to gleam from the inside and not change from the out
But we want to FEEL what change is about
So we pack and we move and we quit and we run
Then we look for contentment that never does come.

But if we don’t give ourselves that push and that voice?
Then what have we then? What is our choice?

The what ifs would settle in and the what ifs are a bitch
What if I do nothing and don’t scratch at this itch?
What if I don’t act but just sit and stay?
What if I do nothing to make this yearning go away?
Then live in a world never knowing if there’s more
If I’ve got the talent to be a comedy whore
If I can share with the world what I am about
To let the me on the inside walk around and get out…

So I’m still on this peninsula
With choices all around
Should I step in the water or onto the ground?

For now, I’ll let my sunshine out and I’ll loosen my laces
Eventually I’ll choose the how, the now, and the places

When will I remove my soul from this cement?
And let myself act on the secrets of content?

put the pen down

2008-07-27T11:20:00.001-04:00

I start writing about what he did
To me
Just a few words on paper about
What happened
To me
And my heart starts pounding
And I'm there again
And it's happening again
To me
You are standing in the bedroom
Your jaw dropped
At my discovery
At the drawer pulled out of its dresser and onto the floor
and me
next to it
on the floor
holding the pile of papers in my hand
the bills
the credit cards
target, visa, master card, j crew, bank of Belmont, bank of America, bank of whateverthefuck
While you stand there
And lie
To me
And I take out the scissors
And I start cutting
Up
everything
CUTTING
Statements, credit cards, lies
Where did these all come from? How have I never looked through this drawer before?
And I cut and I scream and I cry and the tears wet the papers in a huge pile on the floor
And I breathe so deeply that I have trouble talking
And the lump in my throat hurts so much
If I could just push it down
For a moment
And swallow
How could you do this to us
To me
How could you lie
To me
Piles of lies as big as this pile of stupid accounts and credit cards and I can't breathe and anxiety fills my chest like smoke and
I need to catch my breath so I don't choke
and I try to talk and wipe the tears from their place
And I reach for my face and
sort of come to and realize
That I'm sitting alone
miles away from that old bedroom
years away from that old life
in a new place
and a new time
And the tears are dry
And the papers are gone
And the floor is clean
And my life
Is
Sane

I put down the pen for a while…

how it happened

2008-06-17T11:20:00.001-04:00

We danced like fools till 4 am
Then tackled the snowy roads
Singing out loud
I kept one hand on the wheel
You held the other to keep it warm
And you switched the gears for me

In perfect rhythm

At that moment, I took a sharp turn – I swerved
Behind me….a flirtatious friendship
I could separate from love and what ifs
But in front of me, the inevitable
Too late to turn the car around
Too late to shift my own gears
…to withdraw my hand
…to dance with someone else
…to turn my head from the kisses
…to walk away from this ride without any scars

We pull up to your place and
You invite me in

reflections

2008-05-12T01:00:00.001-04:00

Those blue, blue eyes
I always loved
Seeing my reflection
In those blue blue eyes
I knew who I was
In those eyes
I am strong
I am beautiful. I belong.
In the mirror of your eyes
I love my size
My humor, a surprise
My writing inspires
I am warm. I am good. I am smart.

But wait – don't look away – I can't see your eyes
Without that mirror, I am gone
I doubt and internalize
My throat dries
No longer wise

And with those fucking sunglasses
That I so despise
I am lost

How can I see myself, when I can't see your eyes?

drunk on you 1 and 2

2008-02-26T23:25:00.001-05:00

1

Just one drink
I said
I'll go home after this one
I said
I can stop anytime I want

That was what I said

Then it was four drinks later
And two weeks later
I'm still drinking away
The wheat hitting my mouth
Making me conscious of my hips
Thinking about how sweet your lips
Are looking to me

More and more confident,
funny and sexy
I feel

you make me laugh

This is the last time
I say
I have to move on
I say
But really I'm just drunk on you

There is nothing I can do
But step back and away
And learn that its ok
To not be loved

2

When it comes to you
I am a lightweight
It doesn't take much for me to get into this state
Just two drinks and I gravitate
Closer and closer to you

Why do I even contemplate
You and I and more than a friend date
The more I drink, the more I can take
Until I'm drunk on you

I already know I'm not the girl
Whom being near makes your insides curl
Its not my body, to which your eyes are drawn
Not this dawn
I'm simply a pawn
For you to lure in another queen
At the bar

But still…

Look at me.

Chai, in honor of my Uncle Rick

2008-02-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to speak at my uncle's memorial, but there are some things that I would've liked to have said. So I wrote them down…

I received a pretty chai necklace for my bat mitzvah, many many years ago. Let's not do the math. But I still have it.

I always thought that the idea of CHAI was a beautiful one. The fact that CHAI, or LIFE, should be celebrated… it's a simple, but wonderful idea – and one that not many people think about often enough. When my grandfather passed away a few years ago, I took the old necklace out of the bottom of my jewelry box and started wearing my CHAI every day. To be honest, his name was CHAIM and therefore, wearing the necklace made me think of him. And I felt that – somewhere out there – he knew I was thinking of him… and that made me feel good.
Fast forward from a few years to now. My uncle Ricky passed away about a month ago from a hard fight with cancer, and again – I took the CHAI out from the corner of my jewelry box that doesn't see much attention, and started to wear it again. In this case, a more appropriate symbol could not have been found.

I don't know another person who epitomized life and hope more than Ricky. When he was diagnosed with a cancer that we all knew would eventually get the best of him – he didn't give up or give in. In fact, he did the opposite of that. He said – I am going to fight this… I don't want anyone to be sad or complain. He asked everyone to send him their good, positive energy and thoughts so that he could live the fullest and longest that he possibly could – and that is exactly what he did.

The first thing he did was marry the woman he loved… simple, on a beach – just like they wanted to do. Next, he traveled, he worked, he visited friends and family, he wrote…
He even flew out from California and visited me and my cousin, Shana, in Boston and got to meet our significant others. Walking around the city, he didn't complain – even though I'm sure he was tired from his treatments.

When you live across the country from your family, it's hard to be close…although, I've always felt really close to my cousins in California – despite the distance.
In any case, although I didn't see Ricky as often as I would have liked – there was one quality about him that I always valued and that really connected him to me. This quality was SUPPORT.

When you are an artist – whether it's a singer, actress, model, or improv comedian – support isn't always the easiest to come by…especially from family. This isn't because your family doesn't approve – because of course they appreciate your talent and your interests. But, let's face it - art is never the fiscally responsible choice. It isn't the safe choice. Art isn't the choice that will lead you to supporting yourself and a family in the future…

All of this aside, Rick is one of those people who forever supported my comedy. He was on my email list of upcoming shows – even though he was 3000 miles away from it all. When he came to Boston last year – he saw me perform, even though my slot was at 10pm and that was late - and he got tired easily. Rick never failed to ask me about my comedy. It was the first thing he would mention in an email or phone call. You can't even imagine how much I appreciated that support.
I wasn't the only one who benefited from Rick's support of artistic interest… there are many of us in this Rosenthal family who have pursued some of our dreams, and Ricky always supported us – and reminded us that it was the right choice.
I will always thank him for that. As I'm sure Abby will as well.

In the end, I know that Rick tried his hardest to live to his fullest and hang on as long as he could… for his children, his wife, his brothers, his friends…
He truly made the most out of the time that he had left and for that, we are all thankful.

CHAI.
L'chaim.
To life.
To Rick.

Miss you and love you,
Rachel

puppet master

2008-01-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

We were all just puppets in your sick, sick show
our wires entangled for so long
that not until so many years later
are we finally getting the knots out

So skilled at your trickery
You really made us dance
We fell in love with your words, your ways
your forever giving of giving
Throwing our trust, our hearts, at your feet
You played with my limbs,
my outsides my insides
And held me upside down until
my will and
my fight
began
S
P
I
L
L
I
N
G
Out of my head and onto the floor…
Empty and powerless
A puppet on a string
I hate you for your puppetry
I hate you for your lies
How could love so deep and strong turn to such despise?

I wanna sweat the small stuff

2008-01-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

(I don't usually rhyme... but I'll give it a shot today... )

I want to sweat the small stuff
and argue over messy rooms
crying over silly boys
choosing sad songs on itunes

I want to cry over spilled milk
and fill you in on my tough day
oh man, work was such a bitch
they ran out of coffee today

Instead I have to deal with this
Its too heavy. Its too much
I feel sick when I picture your face
cringe remembering your touch

I almost married a thief
a criminal, a ghost
feeding me with words and lies
3 years later, it stings the most

Now I am a woman
but then I was just mist
everything washing over me
until I ceased to exist

So let me help you miss your goal
I'll lose your package in the mail
I'll accidentally kill your plant
I'll take your test and fail

Let me sweep up your child's mess
let me lose your big game
let me put out the fire
let me paint grey over this flame. . .

stream of consciousness

2007-12-15T11:39:00.000-05:00

Can't sleep
Can't stop thinking
Paper bits in my mind
On each one, written just a few lines
Crumpled up in balls on the floor of my conscience

Stream of consciousness won't stop streaming
I need a boat to paddle away
Through all of the madness, fighting with the waves
His face and words and flashes of a memory
Eyes
Swirling in the water beneath
Crashing crashing
I am crashing
I'm so tired
Turn it off, put down the paddle,
put down the pen
Stop thinking
Need to rest
Need to sleep
Can't sleep

blue

2007-11-28T23:42:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Writing and singing notes I believe to be true
Help me sing something besides all this blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Writing my analogies and crying till it's through
And the words that I write are just blue. Blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Painting with these strokes so tired and so few
The picture that I paint, just washes of blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Tried to dive deep but no matter how far I flew,
I can't swim through this deepness, this ocean of blue.

I don't know why I do
the things that I do
Listening to the songs, I know are for me from you
I have to climb up over this mountain of blue

So I can be through
with
blue.

life in the movies

2007-11-17T11:47:00.000-05:00

Goddamn Sunset-ending movies with their happily ever afters and I do's
Where is the remote?
Daydreaming of meeting Mr. One
Catching a glance across the room… eyes lock, a flicker of light
Put the glass down on the table and saunter across...
we start to dance
And we just "know"
Waiting for my Nick Drake song to fade in and signal the closing credits…

the battle of reality and romance

2007-11-14T11:44:00.000-05:00

Under the covers, book in her hand
Sirens out the window; neighbors comprehend
It's too cold to go outside, stars overhead
Turn up the heat, say good night to love and go to bed

The night just a seedling, the band takes a rest
His brow sweaty, he slips outside and sees he missed her text
The air so warm and in the morn it will be as well
He gets back up. Just close your eyes, forget you ever fell.

Reality and romance
Do I have to pick just one
Structured desks and pay checks
Romance would be more fun

Reality vs. romance
Just a girl. Just a guy.
Book my tickets, let me fly
Romance wins, let me fly

the smoke clears

2007-09-24T11:48:00.000-04:00

the gun explodes

i am used to the smoke

swirling and circling and dancing with my pores
dark grey curls
grab at my neck
short
deep
breaths only
intensify
the pain

and its so dark in this smoke
and it claws at me so
i start to choke
my brain turned to yolk
and my hand

holding the gun

living with money

2007-08-24T11:50:00.000-04:00

How does it feel to live with money? Does it love you so good?

Does it hold your hand?
Does it load up your forehead with kisses?
Does it lie with its feet in your lap?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it pack you up a lunch to bring to work?
Does it lie with you on the couch?
Does it move the car for street cleaning?

How does it feel to live with money?

Does it make you laugh?
Does it make the coffee on Sundays?
Does it search for jobs for you?
Does it promise to stick by you no matter what?
Does it ask for nothing in return but love?

Damn.
I fucking hope so.

salt and smoke

2007-07-01T11:51:00.001-04:00

I always thought love was sweet
Melting chocolate morsels in my mouth
After the wound was formed,
Bowls of ice cream calmed me down
And chocolate milk soothed the pain

Surely, the wound must be healed by now.
And it is.

But a scar remains

Some days so light you wouldn't notice it there
Other days, deep and purple like a bruise.
And other days, it opens wide
And I pour the salt – surprised at first, by the taste of my tears
Desirable for a moment
If only to remember

But soon it burns.
And I'm brought back
To the day I stood
in the kitchen
With the batch of charred cookies in my gloved hand
My tears burnt
My heart scorched

And you with the flame in your hand

Still
s
m
o
k
i
n
g

Now
I have grown accustomed to the salt.

masked kindness

2007-05-14T11:55:00.000-04:00

Wearing a mask,
you push me down
ouch!

I whisk around
Who did that?

I hear your voice
so sweet and kind
wiping my tears
bandaging my knee

"we'll get him"
you promise

I cry into your shoulder
until I soon feel better

a legal goodbye

2007-02-28T11:56:00.001-05:00

So this is goodbye
On paper. A legal document
Sign, date, and notarize
Did you even realize that it would come to this?

I once envisioned us at the front of the aisle
Dresses and suits and beaming smiles
Tearing eyes
Speeches and forever on tongues and sunrise

I used to read your chicken scratch letters
Stringing together the most beautiful words
Poems and love letters
The "do not forgetters" reminding me of how I was loved

Now here we are, fighting with no voice
Our lawyers talk the talk
Back and forth
Dollar amounts and vague threats

What happened to the do not forgets?

Now all I have is your signature
On a document
A legal goodbye

Your chicken scratch
Once again can make me cry

dead to me

2007-01-28T12:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like you died
you died and left me

in such sadness
and silence
i'm left with painted memories
and where you went wrong
and where i let you go wrong
and how i didn't help
you were sick
you were so sick
but forever by my side

and then

the black dress is put away
the veil gone
the eyes wiped dry
and i sort through the mail
and there i find it

one lie
in a tiny box
plain as day

no...

but you were sick,
it was just a small fib
you still loved so good
you loved me most
and held me up
you couldn't be responsible...
you were weak
i still loved you

until
i open the drawer
another lie
how did i miss that when i packed my bags
has that always been there?

i go to the bank
a lie you left behind
in the glove compartment
another lie

lie
upon lie
upon lie until
i can't hold my
head above and i am drowning

in anger
and red red rage
how could you?
WHO ARE YOU?
And did you really die?
i never said goodbye
did you really die?
did you just never really live
or really love

blankets

2006-10-24T11:58:00.001-04:00

Every morning
I wake in your arms
You held me through the night
That is just so you

You take me in
As my blanket
You squeeze me tight
That is just so you

Throughout the work day
You send me reminders
Of how I am your light
That is just so you

Hand in hand we walk
I'm never alone
The sun barely out of sight
That is just so you

Lay down again, warmth
I can't stop laughing
Until I'm high as a kite
That is just so you

Alarm, alarm please don't ring
For just five more minutes
I will fight
So I can spend more time with you